VOSOTROS MANDAIS!!!!!!
Bueno, como ya hemos tocado varios temas, estoy dudando entre qué nuevo artículo chorra escribir... Me gustaría que me dejaseis vuestras opiniones acerca de lo que querais que escriba en los próximos días, vosotros/as mandais!!! Tengo varios temas, a saber:
-políticos
-guiris
-borrachos
Estoy abierto a cualquier tema o sugerencia , os espero !
Viaje a la selva nocturna: la discoteca
Son las 3:30 a.m. y ya has estado en dos o tres pubs, tomándote tus cervecitas, calimochos, cubatas, rones, etc. El dueño del pub está cambiando la música de forma misteriosa, donde hace 10 minutos sonaba U2 ahora suena Daddy Yankee y su "gasolina".... Sin saber porqué, notas que la iluminación del local va en aumento y esto te fastidia sobremanera ya que te has convertido en un vampiro nocturno y tus ojos, ahora, son extraordinariamente sensibles a la luz (provocado por los litros de bebidas espirituosas que has ingerido).
Molesto por la actitud desafiante del camarero que , escoba en mano, te mira de reojo, decides que ya es hora de abandonar el local y dirigirte a otro mas grande, mas caro y que cierra mucho mas tarde.
El camino es tortuoso: notas que las aceras están mas altas de lo normal, que el suelo es muy resbaladizo, etc. Te acuerdas de todos los familiares de los trabajadores del ayuntamiento por tener el pueblo echo una mierda y sueltas un discurso improvisado en el que sientes que la divina providencia te ilumina y te da sabiduría. Todo tu grupo de amigos que, misteriosamente, también tropiezan y andan lentamente por culpa del mal asfaltado de las calles, asienten con la cabeza dándote la razón en todo. En ese momento descubres que son maravillosos y les prometes amistad eterna.
Llegas al primer gran local no sin antes haber esquivado misteriosas manchas en el suelo con todo tipo de agentes bacteriológicos: alguna manchas son amarillas , otras color rosado con tropezones de distintas variedades de embutido, etc. Antes de entrar te topas en la puerta con una o dos personas (normalmente hombres) de una corpulencia por encima de la media, sin un pelo en la cabeza, camiseta apretada y pecho hinchado en plan palomo en celo. Su lenguaje se limita a unas pocas palabras que son: "pasa" ,"no puedes pasar", "no puedes entrar con bebida" y alguna frase más, siempre relacionada con el verbo "pasar".
Después de pasar el filtro, entras a la discoteca. La música está a un nivel en el que hablar y que te escuchen es poco menos que una proeza. El ambiente es londinense (por la densa niebla) inmerso en un vaivén frenético de luces de colores.
El primer comentario, al entrar, suele ser: "esto está hasta el tapón" o "como esta la paya esa". No falla, siempre que entras ves al típico borracho de tu pueblo que está solo en la barra y te saluda efusivamente ( te preguntas porqué es tan simpático cuando , por el día, nunca te saluda).
Ya estás metido en el ambiente, has pedido tu cubata y has echo un círculo perfecto con tus amigos, situándote en una posición estratégica del local, ya sea a la entrada de los aseos, en la entrada de la propia disco o cerca de una zona poblada de féminas solteras (o eso crees tú). A diferencia del pub, en la disco no sueles hablar con tu grupo de amigos , solo os movéis intentando hacer como que bailáis de una forma ridícula. Puede pasar perfectamente una hora y no dirigiros la palabra aunque estéis a un metro el uno del otro en un círculo cerrado.
Uno de vuestros amigos dirige una mirada fulminante a una moza lozana que está enfrente y, creyendo que ésta le sigue el juego, se queda mirándola durante un tiempo prolongado. Os comenta que esa chica le mira y que seguro que si va a decirle algo se la "trinca" (pobre , que malo es el alcohol). Pero al final no se decide en lanzarse a conocerla y entra en acción el típico Vin Diessel, McBain, David Hasselhoff o como querais llamarlo. Oportunidad perdida!!!
Son las 6 de la mañana y estas hecho "caliqué" así que decides que ya es hora de irte a casa, maldiciendo a todas las mujeres y cagándote en todos los chulos de discoteca que siempre te chafan un ligue seguro.
Dirige como si estuvieras en Hollywood!!!
Sí, ya sé que alguna vez intentaste hacer un corto, pero como lo más profundo de tu cerebro te advierte, si lo haces va a ser muy cutre. Lo sabes. Para acabar con esto de una vez por todas, ponemos al alcance de tu mano los recursos de la industria del cine americana (la estadounidense, no la ecuatoriana). A partir de cuando leas este artículo, tus cortos o tus películas darán un paso de gigante cualitativamente, como si Spielberg en persona la hubiera dirigido y metido pasta por un tubo, aunque se rodara con una Super 8.
¿Cómo lo vamos a hacer? Pues os voy a explicar cómo introducir los efectos especiales y digitales más caros del mundo en vuestro corto de forma totalmente casera, así que ya podéis ir desempolvando aquel corto de una invasión alielígena, aquella copia descarada mitad Matrix - mitad Pulp Fiction y además, os enseñaré a convencer a vuestras amigas más guarras a protagonizar una película porno con escenas lésbicas.
Y todo lo explico gratis!!!
- Meteorito gigante amenaza la tierra.
5 palabras mágicas que llenan los cines. Normalmente, si quieres realizar esta escena, te va a quedar cutrísima, usaras algún pedrusco del campo con un fondo de cartulina dando lugar a unos efectos especiales dignos de comienzos del siglo XX. Bien, el método realista es más sencillo:
Busca al más gordo de tus amigos e invítale a comer todos los botes de fabada Litoral que quiera. Luego, instala una cámara en el interior del váter, y cuando tu colega vaya a evacuar, la cámara captará de forma privilegiada como gigantes rocas oscuras que provienen del negro espacio caen e impactan. Lo adornas con música chunga y listo.
Si le pones luciérnagas en el culo conseguirás un bonito efecto de cielo estrellado.
Parece que la Tierra se salvó... por ahora.
- Dinosaurios.
¿Disfraces? ¿Stop-motion? Venga ya!!! Te va a quedar un truño de efecto especial, como era de esperar, y eso no es digno de un director como tú. Vamos a ver cómo puedes conseguir un dinosaurio temible para tu película:
Antes de nada, necesitas saber que el nivel medio de conocimientos de la sociedad española respecto a los dinosaurios es el de "espectador de Jurassic Park", y encima, casi no se acuerdan. Con esto a nuestro favor, nadie se dará cuenta de que el dinosaurio que intentas imitar no ha existido jamás, nadie va a encontrar fallos del tipo "esa especie no existía", "ese bicho no es del Cretácico" o "para mí que esa especie no bailaba la conga". Sabiendo esto lo tenemos más fácil. Ahora, ¿qué distingue a un dinosaurio? Pues la cola, el color verde y los pedazo de dientes. Reúne esas 3 cosas y tendrás un dinosaurio. Para ello vamos a reunir: dentadura de abuelo, chucho de algún amigo y spray verde. Ya os vais haciendo una idea, ¿no? Pinta al perro de verde y métele la dentadura en la boca (la cual será más temible que la propia, seguro). La cola, pues ya la lleva puesta.
¿A que acojona?
- Posesión diabólica.A lo mejor quieres iniciar tu camino en el séptimo arte de mano de un largometraje donde el protagonista sea el Demonio. Una escena clave es el de la posesión de algún personaje por parte de nuestro amigo del tridente. Ambientar es fácil, sobretodo si el dormitorio es de alguna casa vieja, ya que algo tan viejo como el demonio no pinta nada en casas decoradas con chorraditas como el
feng shui, tan de moda ahora por occidente. Lo jodido viene a la hora de clavar el papel de la posesión. Necesitas a alguien fuera de sí, con expresiones extremas en la cara. Vamos con el briconsejo para bordar este efecto en vuestra película:
Localiza algún familiar o amigo epiléptico (¿veis por dónde van los tiros?) y póstralo en la cama. Átalo de manos y pies. Pon a alguien fuera de plano que le enseñe fotos de Ágata Ruiz de la Prada vestida con sus disfraces. La inhumana combinación de formas y colores provocarán en el epiléptico un montón de espuma digna de una fiesta de la espuma de Pachá Discoteca. No pierdas detalle, porque además, se le pondrán los ojos en blanco y se convulsionará. Como si el mismísimo Satán viviera en su interior!!!
- Padre Carras, mira que se lo advertí. No le meta helio por el culo a la chiquilla!!! Átele un cordelillo por lo menos!!!
- Sables láser.
Lo estabas deseando, ¿eh, bandido? Siempre has querido convertirte en un puto Jedi. Hoy vas a aprender a filmar autenticas luchas con sables láser para deleite vuestro.
Queda con varios colegas, pero de los buenos. De los que se beben hasta el agua de los floreros, y cuélate en un pub o discoteca donde alguna marca de bebida alcohólica haga fiesta. Puede ser JB, White Label, Brugal o la que sea. Poneos ciegos a cubalibres como sólo vosotros sabéis. Hasta que el resto de gente os haga la ola con cada trago. Luego localizad a la tipa que da los regalos por cada cubata. Arrambladla y robadle todos esos palitos que brillan en la oscuridad y no valen para nada que suelen dar en esas fiestas y largaos antes de que llegue la policía. Una vez en casa, descolgad todos los tubos de luz de casa y rellenadlos con la sustancia misteriosa brillante que contiene los palitroques esos. ¿Qué tenéis? Pues un fantástico tubo de luz con el que batallar. Al ser frágiles, cuando estéis rodando, podéis pegar un espadazo más fuerte, para romper el tubo y que el líquido brillante salte por todos lados consiguiendo un efecto de auténtico profesional. Ya tienes tu momentazo Jedi!!!
A día de hoy, sigue sin mojar el churrito.
- Explosiones.
¿Qué tipo de película querías hacer sin explosiones? Es la 1ª regla para hacer una buena película. Conseguir explosivo quizá sea un poco complicado, así que vamos a ver qué podemos hacer:
Invéntate una religión. Da igual a quien adores, pero asegúrate de prometer huríes buenorras a todo aquel que se sacrifique por la causa. Capta a los más débiles mentales que conozcas. Una vez que tengas ya unos pobres desgraciados en tu poder, cómprale 4 ó 5 botellas de butano al butanero y que tus muyahidines las lleven allí donde quieras una explosión y las abran. A una señal tuya, encenderán fuego y lo volarán todo por los aires. El tema de usar humano en las explosiones tiene la ventaja de que si necesitas filmar víctimas pues... más reales no pueden ser.
A continuación, guarda las cámaras, borra tus huellas y desaparece de la escena antes de que vuelva la policía.
Seguro que cuando le digamos al alcalde que lo hemos hecho nosotros para un corto, se le pasa el enfado y nos da una subvención.
Con estos 5 consejos ya podéis empezar a planear vuestra primera incursión en el mundo del cine sin reparar en efectos especiales. Próximamente descubriré más trucos para incluir en vuestros filmes (quizá en la 2ª parte, si os va bien con la 1ª).
Que Hollywood se prepare!!! Con un par!!!
Etiquetas: cine, dudas
De curiosidades por desiertos lejanos
Me acabo de acordar de una chorradita que me contaron ya hace un tiempo y que dice así: Vas por un desierto del copón de grande. Junto a ti va un compañero de viaje llamado Juan. Juan es de Badajoz, y un frikazo de cuidado, ya que colecciona mierdas de Hello Kitti. Entre esas mierdas, su cantimplora rebosante de agua. Por algún casual, te enteras que su agua la ha envenenado el malvado Dioniso. Otro rarito rival de Juan, que colecciona mierdas de Pucca.
Si Juan bebe de la cantimplora, morirá, y tú, como superhéroe altruista que eres, decides impedirlo vaciando su cantimplora en las jodidamente calientes arenas del desierto. Pero ahora, Juan muere de sed, y tú no llevas más agua.
¿Eres salvador u homicida de Juan? Lo has matado para salvarle la vida, ¿debes tener remordimientos o debe sudarte la polla?
Ni sed ni ostias.
Etiquetas: curiosidades, dudas
Melsas
Hoy me gustaría hablar de los melsas. Parece que llega un poco a destiempo esta entrada, ya que el verano está acabando y las afluencias de gente disminuyendo, pero me importa tres cojones. Vamos a explicar qué es un melsa: un melsa es a quien va dirigida la frase "me cago en su puta madre" cuando tienes un mínimo de prisa. Son esos individuos e individuas que debido a sus limitaciones e incapacidades paralizan a un número mayor de gente, y ni siquiera se dan cuenta del lastre que suponen para el funcionamiento de la sociedad.
Veamos algunos casos en los que yo (y posiblemente vosotros) os hayáis cagado en la puta madre de alguien:
- Melsa al volante.
La típica escena sobre el asfalto. Una carretera recta, sin cruces, ni rotondas ni leches. No hay nada que pensar nada porque no hay otra cosa que hacer que ir recto, y... ¿porqué va a 20 el pedazo de cabrón que lidera la cola?
No son conscientes del estorbo que suponen, creando un pitote que te cagas. Si su cuello estuviera al alcance de todos los de atrás, seguro que optaba por acelerar.
- Melsa haciendo cola.
Cuando estás en una cola como la del cine, restaurante de comida rápida o cualquier otra y te toca uno de estos en tu cola, lo notas en seguida. Su actitud para frenar la cola y con ello, la eficiencia, es esperar a que llegue su turno para entonces pararse a pensar qué es lo que quieren, demostrando una inoperancia total.
- Abuelos sin sentido del tiempo.
Suelen ir lentos por causas obvias, pero el iniciar conversaciones con 300 personas esperando en la cola, desafiar a la medicina con síntomas y enfermedades imaginarias, colapsando la sanidad pública, o ir a marear a los trabajadores al banco intentando aparentar un ajetreo diario que no tienen, lo hacen a conciencia.
Un ejemplo clásico es el de los bancos, cuando se tiran 2 horas en el banco, al que van más por aburrimiento que por necesidad.
- Jugadores melsas.
Si alguna vez has jugado a las cartas o algún otro juego, seguro que te has encontrado con alguno.
Hacen perder los nervios al resto de jugadores, y su lentitud sólo se vería explicada si su juego fuera superior al del resto, pero no suele ser así. Su torpeza y su lentitud suelen ser directamente proporcionales. La ausencia de ritmo de juego y de ligereza de pensamiento se hace patente cada vez que llega su turno, produciendo el parón correspondiente.
- Funcionarios.
¡Cómo no incluirlos! Su nombre no es otra cosa que sinónimo de lentitud. Los trámites que llevan a cabo son límites que tienden al infinito. La explicación con la que más científicos se han puesto de acuerdo respecto a su baja productividad es el más que menguado horario del que disfrutan, el cual divide el tiempo en desayuno - "jijí jajá" - almuerzo - "casi la hora de irse".
Con esto he descrito algunos de los tipos de melsas más comunes, pero seguro que en vuestra vida pública os habéis encontrado muchos más. Comentadlos a ver si convertís esto en un compendio de lentorros sociales.
Taluego!
Etiquetas: varios
Cómo avanzar en las aventuras gráficas
Las aventuras gráficas son un género que está de capa caída actualmente. Mientras Nintendo desaprovecha la pantalla táctil de la DS con escasas aventuras y nos inunda con juegos de animales tipo "
Mofetaz", "
Tarántulaz" o "
Dragón de Komodoz",
sienes y sienes de personas añoran las divertidas historias de
Lucas Arts, o el extraño pueblo del
Shadow of the Comet, los conjuros de
Simon The Sorcerer o el españolísimo
Igor: Objetivo Uikokahonia. No vamos a listar las aventuras, sino a resumir de alguna manera las formas que existían para avanzar en la historia cuando estabas más atascado que Javivi en Pasapalabra.
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Pasar el puntero por toooda la pantalla.Un trabajo de chinos, pero inevitable cuando sospechabas que te habías dejado algo por el camino. Solía ocurrir cuando llegabas a una pantalla tan llena de cosas que era casi imposible saber las que eran objetos con los que interaccionar y las que eran simplemente "el fondo". A veces te podías pasar un buen rato, con la mirada atenta, sin parpadear, con la baba cayendo sobre el teclado, esperado que que donde ponía "Ir..." cambiara a otra cosa. Cuando esto ocurría daba igual que te hubieras dejado los ojos como un gilipollas durante 4 horas en la pantalla... Habías logrado tu objetivo!!! De esta forma seguías jugando con la satisfacción del trabajo recompensado.
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Probar TODO con TODO.Titánica maniobra para una paciencia igual de grande. Esto era para los que su nivel de desesperación rozaba el de masoquismo. La misión consistía en probar absolutamente todos los objetos del inventario con todos los objetos o personajes de pantalla. Las piernas del jugador temblaban de miedo cuando se trataba de un inventario extenso porque sabía que a pesar de ser inevitable la faena, se iba a pasar la tarde como un cabrón probando hasta la cosa más absurda como "Usar carta de Grace con motor de coche". Al final, por cojones, dabas con la solución pero te cagabas en la puta madre del programador cuando te enterabas que la carta de Grace no valía para nada en el juego. Después de haberla probado con las 250 cosas repartidas por el juego...
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La experiencia es un grado.Hay veces que algunos enigmas son tan similares entre juegos diferentes, que para un jugador de este tipo de juegos ya no encierran ningún misterio. Es el caso, por ejemplo, de encontrarse una peluca, unas gafas, un sombrero o algo así. Sabes que en algún momento del juego vas a tener que disfrazarte o vas a tener que disfrazar a alguien, entonces llevas esos objetos en el inventario pero dentro de una especie de conjunto mental con la palabra "
RESERVADO" a la espera de esa escena. Siempre cae.
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Puzzles demasiado evidentes.Algunas ocasiones, los puzzles son tan rematadamente evidentes que es imposible que el programador pensara por un solo segundo que nos íbamos a tener que calentar la cabeza con eso, o que esa chorrada iba a contribuir a elevar la diversión del juego. Un ejemplo puede ser cuando hay un agujero en mitad del camino que nos impide avanzar y de repente (en ocasiones, al lado del agujero) aparece un reluciente tablón de madera de 3 metros que nuestro diminuto personaje puede transportar sin ningún tipo de problema.
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Consultando una guía.Este es el tramposo por naturaleza. No tiene escrúpulos, incluso a sabiendas que le está quitando precisamente la gracia que tienen las aventuras gráficas, que es devanarte los sesos a ver qué ostias tienes que hacer ahora para avanzar. Pues no, a este tramposo le cuesta lo que le cuesta leer 2 frases y hacer 3 clicks. Es como si en las antiguas recreativas, en vez de echar una moneda y jugar, veías la máquina cómo te enseñaba unos segundos de juego tras el "
INSERT COIN".
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De casualidad.A veces pasa. Estás moneando un poco con los objetos y de pronto usas sin querer algo con otro algo y... tachán!!! Esas dos cosas juntas han reaccionado y ya hemos conseguido que el guarda se vaya dejando el pasillo sin vigilancia!!! Es en esos momentos cuando piensas: soy un crack que me voy a pasar el juego en menos de una hora. Un minuto después ya estás atascado otra vez.
¿Y vosotros? ¿Habéis usado alguna otra técnica para salir de algún bache en el fantástico mundo de las aventuras gráficas? Berreadlo abajo.
Etiquetas: aventuras gráficas, juegos, puzzle, videojuegos
El duro
Hoy vamos a hablar de un deporte demencial que lleva lustros practicándose en la costa española. Se trata del duro. ¿Y qué demonios es el duro? Pues el duro es un juego que consiste en beber, beber y beber. El objetivo es emborrachar a los demás pero sin dejar de beber, claro está.
Indaguemos más en este interesante deporte...
El material necesario son vasos pequeños, una moneda y litros de bebida.
Los vasos se colocan unos junto a otros, con uno en el centro, y se llenan todos menos el de el centro. Algo así:
Esquema para 6 jugadores.Debe haber un vaso por cada uno de los jugadores, más uno vacío central. Cuando cada jugador tiene asignado su vaso, se llenan todos menos el central. A continuación, se saca la moneda y el jugador que empieza la partida debe golpear con la moneda la mesa y después meterla en un vaso. El tiro debe ser parabólico:
Física pura.
A partir de ahora pueden pasar 4 cosas diferentes. Vamos a estudiar cada caso:
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Metes la moneda en tu propio vaso: coges el vaso con la moneda dentro y se lo mandas a quien te salga de los cojones para que se lo beba. NUNCA puedes ser tú mismo. Se llena el vaso y sigues tirando.
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Metes la moneda en el vaso de otra persona: el dueño de ese vaso debe bebérselo y sacar la moneda. Se vuelve a llenar el vaso y sigues tirando.
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Metes la moneda en el vaso vacío central: a toda ostia, cada uno debe beberse su propio vaso y dejarlo sobre la mesa. El último que lo haga, se tiene que beber otro, por lento. Se llenan los vasos y continúas lanzando.
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Fallas: la cagaste. Perdiste tu turno y la moneda pasa al siguiente jugador. Si la moneda ha caído al suelo, no desesperes. El ser un completo cerdo forma parte del juego, así que no hagas ascos a este tipo de contratiempos y sigue jugando.
La moneda siempre ha sido un duro de los de antes, con la cara de Franco, supongo que por el cachondeo. El duro tenía el peso y las medidas perfectas. Ahora, con el euro, la moneda más equilibrada para jugar es la de 10 céntimos. Os lo dice un veterano.
El juego se acaba cuando ocurren una de estas 2 cosas:
- Sólo queda uno en pie.
- Se agota la bebida del pub.
Este juego es para beber a saco. Tenlo claro si vas a jugar.
Normalmente se juega con calimocho (vino + coca cola) o cerveza, aunque también se puede jugar con whisky, ron o lo que te de la real gana.
Pero... ¿eso es todo? Nooooo. Eso son las reglas iniciales. Ahora viene lo bueno y donde uno puede demostrar lo especialmente cabrón que es. Cuando metes la moneda 3 veces seguidas (da igual el vaso), el lanzador pone una norma nueva. De esta forma el juego se va complicando y haciendo más cachondo.
Las normas deben ser impersonales, es decir, no irán sobre un jugador en concreto. Ejemplos de normas buenas y malas:
- Cada vez que alguien beba, bebe también el jugador de su derecha.
Buena. Simple y efectiva.- Paco no puede hablar.
Mala. Es personal y si Paco es un cachondo, pues os reiríais menos.- Cada vez que alguien diga "uno", "dos" o "tres" en cualquier frase, se bebe ese número de vasos.
Buena. Rasgos de originalidad y sirve para que todo el mundo esté pendiente de todo el mundo a ver si la caga.- Cada vez que meta la moneda, Lorena debe hacerme un pajote.
Mala. La norma es personal y tú eres un cerdo depravado.
Para ayudarte a la hora de poner normas, ahí van unas cuantas para no quedarte en blanco:
- Quien tire la moneda fuera de la mesa, se bebe 3 vasos.
- Cuando la moneda entre en el centro, en vez de beber todos, cada uno se mete el líquido en la boca y no traga, excepto el que lanzó la moneda, que debe contar un chiste y si a alguien se le escapa de la risa el líquido de la boca se bebe 5 vasos.
- Hay que decir "Pamplona" con el líquido en la boca.
- Cuando la moneda cae en el centro nadie bebe. El que metió la moneda elige un jugador y se apuesta con él los vasos que sean, entonces el lanzador tira la moneda y si el otro apostante la caza con un vaso gana, y si no, pierde.
- Cuando la moneda cae en el vaso del lanzador, antes de mandarlo, se mete el líquido en la boca, lo vuelve a echar al vaso y entonces lo manda.
- Si la moneda cae en el vaso del lanzador, en vez de mandar la bebida en el vaso, la manda en un cenicero.
- Cuando meto la moneda en el vaso de un jugador, se bebe el número de vasos según la distancia que haya respecto al mío. Por ejemplo, si meto en el vaso de uno de los 2 jugadores de mi lado, se beberan uno, si meto en el vaso de los 2 jugadores siguientes, se beberán 2, etc...
El jugador rojo es el lanzador, y cada uno del resto lleva encima el número de vasos que beberían si la moneda entrase. Si el lanzador falla, pasaría a ser otro el que lanza la moneda, así que la distribución cambiaría.
- Poner un vaso "envenenado". Se puede poner algo de que un poco de asco y cada lanzamiento va rotando, así que le puede tocar a cualquiera.
- Prohibido ir al aseo hasta que no se acabe la partida bajo riesgo de beberse 10 vasos.
- Cuando caiga la moneda en el centro, TODOS los vasos se los beberá un jugador designado por el lanzador.
Como veis, la cosa da mucho juego. El número de normas posibles es infinito, así que este juego desarrolla también el cerebro. Repetidle esto a quien os diga que sois unos putos borrachos de mierda.
Salud!!!
Etiquetas: deportes, juegos
Correrías en Varsovia
Hola gente!!! Como viene siendo una tradición, tras tocarme los cojones unos meses en cuanto a
dubaduba se refiere, vuelvo a contar mis monsergas por aquí.
Para romper el hielo, vamos a aprovechar una semana etílica que pasé por Varsovia (capital de Polonia, para los analfabetos) para comentaros algunos detalles sobre esa ciudad, por si teníais pensado ir para allá. Vamos al lío!!!
-
Varsovia la ves en 2 días.Como lo oyes. Si dedicas un par de días, guía en mano, a ver la ciudad, en 2 días te la conoces y has visto lo más importante.
Por allí pasa el río Vístula, el cual está desaprovechadísimo. No hay terrazas que den a ese pedazo de agua, solamente hay un secarral gigantesco. Si ese río estuviera en la costa española, habrían terrazas hasta encima del agua.
Todo el mundo os dirá que Cracovia es más bonito, que cómo coño habéis acabado en Varsovia. Curioso.
Juan Pablo II recomienda Varsovia.-
No tienen el euro.Será porque Polonía siempre me la ha sudado un poco, pero pensaba que allí tenían el euro. Resulta que tienen una moneda llamada złoty. Se pronuncia "suoti" creo, pero todo el mundo lo llama "esloti", que queda como más gracioso.
Os dirán en todos los sitios que allí sólo podréis sacar dinero con Visa o MasterCard. Faaaaaalso. Allí con una humilde tarjeta Maestro vas
sobrao, y si no, puedes buscar un Kantor (ofinina de cambio), que las hay a
puñaos y tienen un cambio infinitamente mejor que en España.
Hija, te lo voy a decir por última vez. Como te vuelva a pillar con el cuerno familiar metido en el culo, ya no te doy ni un esloti más!!!-
No alucines, pero allí casi todas están buenas.Es difícil controlar
el gen "Alfredo Landa", lo sé, pero es que allí la mayoría de hembras están tremendas. Baste decir que durante un rato de reposo en una plaza divisamos a unos 200 metros un grupo formado por 5 sujetos del sexo femenino, y con la distancia jugando en nuestra contra, llegamos a la conclusión de que eran españolas. Acertamos.
Ya verás como Varsovia te va a gustar, pájaro.-
Detalles de la bebida.A ver, allí vas a ver básicamente 4 marcas de cerveza: Lech, Tyskie, Warka y Zwiek. Están todas buenas, y en algunos sitios le ponen un jugo de frambuesa o algo así que la verdad le sienta muy bien. Allí las cervezas son de medio litro, y si vais a la Rynek Starego Miasta, hay una terraza que está bastante bien donde beberse jarras de 1 litro de cerveza Tyskie.
Con los cubalibres cuidado, no dejan la misma libertad al camarero como estamos acostumbrados aquí. Allí usan en todos los sitios una especie de santo grial diminuto como medidor de la cantidad de alcohol que debe ir en el cubata. Resultado: cubatas flojísimos.
Grifo de cerveza. Powered by Poland!!!-
Transporte gratix!!!El metro ni lo olimos. Fuimos a todos lados en autobús, en el que por algún misterioso motivo o conjunción planetaria, por más que subíamos sin pagar, nadie nos decía nada. Cuenta la leyenda que si te pillan sin billete llaman incluso a la policía, pero nosotros, con un par de cojones, arriesgamos y la cosa salió de putísima madre.
Os juro que yo compré el ticket del autobús!!! Me lo han debido robar!!! No me detengan, por favor!!!-
Tráfico a rajatabla.En las calles hay pocos coches, pero una cosa que llama la atención es el caso que hace la gente a los semáforos. No se te ocurra cruzar con el semáforo en rojo, yo lo hice y me paró la policía. Jajajajaja.
Allí hay un bar. Vamos a perder la mañana tomando unas birras!!!-
Hospitales de guerra.Es como si fueras al hospital en la serie Cuéntame. Por culpa de nuestra ausencia de sentido común a la hora de hacer el salvaje durante una juerga en el hotel, nos tocó ir una madrugada. Nos atendieron sin llevar seguro médico, SIP internacional ni pollas. Con el SIP valenciano!!! Tómaya!!!
Los reconoceréis por el letrero "
szpital".
- ¿De qué te ríes, Irina?
- Aquellos turistas españoles borrachos. Mira qué graciosos son!!! Jejejeje.
- Sí que es verdad!!! Jeejeje.-
Salir de fiesta.Varsovia no es ni por asomo una ciudad española. La fiesta destaca por su ausencia, aunque hay algunos sitios que están algo más animados. Por el centro "
parada Centrum" y la calle Mazowiecka es donde todo el mundo os enviará. En esta última calle podéis entrar al
Zoo y al
Anklawa, que son 2 pub-discoteca que no están mal. Evitad el
Paparazzi, que es un lugar pijo y caro. También por el centro, al lado de un McDonalds hay un pub llamado
Underground que el hijo de perra del portero no nos dejó entrar a nosotros ni a nadie. Piden en muchos sitios invitación, y lo sentimos por Varsovia, pero así no llaman al turismo. Otro sitio que no tenía mala pinta pero tampoco nos dejaron entrar era el
Cynnamon, que está en Plac Marszalka Józefa Piłsudskiego, al final de la calle Mazowiecka. Ellos se lo pierden, porque íbamos con la intención de bebernos el Vístula si hacía falta.
No recuerdo el nombre, pero
aquí hay un antro que está bastante bien, y entre semana tienen música en directo. Pero donde más toneladas de cerveza hemos engullido es
aquí. Es un bar-pub, con una camarera rubia que no tiene ni zorra de inglés pero que está tremenda, y el dueño, que está cuadrado como el Batista del Pressing Catch pero es un tío de puta madre (nos ponía los partidos de España en la Eurocopa).
Ten cuidado en qué fiesta te metes, porque puedes acabar con el culo como un bebedero de patos.-
Idioma.Ni se te ocurra aprender algo de polaco para moverte por allí. Es jodidísimo, y acabas antes aprendiendo Klingon o élfico. Necesitas inglés, pero ojo!!! El nivel medio de Varsovia en cuanto inglés es mayor que el español. Ya lo avisé
aquí.
- Oye Cayetano, ¿cómo se dice "Tu madre es una perraca que no sabe chuparla para lo puta que es?"
- Your mother...-
Zampar.Nosotros, que estamos hechos unos
serriles, inauguramos nuestra andadura por Europa del este comiendo en el Hard Rock Café de allí, pero si conseguís resistiros a McDonalds, Telepizzas (sí, está Telepizza) y demás cadenas internacionales, podéis comer comida típica polaca. Por allí son famosos los Pierogi, que son como unos raviolis pero a la polaca. Pasta rellena con cosas. No están mal, y hacen unas sopas que también están buenas. En concreto os recomiendo uno que está por
aquí. Hacen comida típica y las camareras van con trajes típicos polacos y minifalda, lo cual influyó a la hora de decantarnos por ese sitio.
Por tropecientos eslotis!!! Esta comida... ¿está ya digerida? ¿Sí o no?-
Avenidas y tal.En Varsovia, los sitios por donde la gente pasea, se pone ciega a cerveza en las terrazas y donde ver mabre son las calles Krakowskie Przedmieście, Nowy Świat, Aleje Jerozolimskie, Marszałkowska, Rynek Starego Miasta y Plac Zamkowy. Para ver, subir al Palacio de Cultura y Ciencia (Pałac Kultury i Nauki). Arriba hay un bar!!!
Pasear por Varsovia es repetir esto mil veces al día.-
No flipéis.Si estáis de fiesta de madrugada y veis que se hace de día a las 3 o las 4 de la mañana, no penséis que vais demasiado bebidos. Es que Varsovia funciona así.
Estoy hasta los cojones del Windows Vista!!!Bueno, con estos consejillos ya podéis moveros un poco por allí. La fiesta de España no la hay pero ni de lejos, aún así te lo pasas de puta madre.
Si alguien tiene alguna duda, podéis comentarla y si puedo, os la contesto.
Algunas fotos de por allí.Etiquetas: dudas, mundo, varios
Cosas para hacer antes de morir: la Ruta 66
Imprescindible. Recorrer los Estados Unidos de costa a costa sin hoteles y sin nada. De motel de carretera en motel de carretera, y con la música a toda ostia. Saliendo de Chicago y conduciendo hasta Santa Mónica, en California. Lo ideal es con algún colega, para parar de vez en cuando y tomar unas cervezas en jarras bien grandes y bien frías.
Etiquetas: cosas para hacer antes de morir
Curiosa paradoja
En una saga como
Regreso al futuro donde hay viajes en el tiempo, por cojones tenían que aparecer las típicas paradojas, pero esta vez me la pela eso de qué pasa si vas al pasado y matas a tu abuelo. Son las que siempre aparecen. Esta vez voy a fijarme en una que ocurre en la primera película de la saga, cuando McFly viaja de 1985 al Hill Valley de 1955 y por el final de la película, en la fiesta, coge una guitarra y toca "
Johnny B. Goode", de Chuck Berry.
Cuando acaba la canción, uno de los de la banda llamado Marvin Berry llama a su misterioso primo Chuck y le dice que ha encontrado el sonido que estaba buscando. Lo que nos da a suponer es que Chuck Berry crea la canción a partir de lo que escucha cuando Marty McFly la toca, pero Marty la toca porque se la escuchó alguna vez a Chuck Berry en la radio, vinilo o lo que sea. La paradoja se produce al preguntarnos, ¿quién creó entonces la canción? ¿Marty McFly, que al tocarla hizo que Chuck Berry la oyera? ¿O Chuck Berry, que al tocarla hizo que a Marty le gustara y la tocara en su viaje a 1955? ¿De dónde cojones salió esa canción? ¿A quién se le ocurrió?
Curioso.
Etiquetas: cine, curiosidades, dudas, futuro, música
PUTO CRACK!!!
Esto es lo que es el David Hasselhoff, si no, es imposible comprenderlo. Canta por pura diversión, porque ya sabemos que por el éxito no es, y lo hace como un auténtico pichabrava.
Toooma!!!
Poca gente vais a ver en vuestra vida tan convencida con lo que hace y con ganas de cachondeo como nuestro amigo David!!!
PD: Ojo a la letra.
Etiquetas: actores, famosos, música, vídeos musicales
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